EGGY TOAST

cancionero @ 2005-11-09T23:24:00

2005-11-10T04:24:03Z

i miss you, little girl.

cancionero @ 2005-11-09T09:42:00

2005-11-09T14:45:47Z

i have no time to have time to make time to do time to find time to waste time.

i've become one of my worst enemies: a door-to-door saleswoman. eleven hours a day, but the money is good and the energy level is high and i meet about a hundred dogs and cats a day.

saturday night, i'm free as a bird. catch me if you can.

cancionero @ 2005-10-24T18:51:00

2005-10-24T22:53:13Z

woke up to love's sunshine hair, my little bird.

the temperature is dropping and this feels like home.

cancionero @ 2005-10-19T00:38:00

2005-10-19T04:38:33Z

cancionero @ 2005-10-13T20:50:00

2005-10-14T00:50:12Z

starch-white bathroom, first floor. false alarm. i took pictures instead.

.
this morning, i fiddled with the hospital gown until it fit me snug, and he helped. he sat next to me in the room where all the doctors came to meet their patients, introduce themselves and ask the questions the papers asked. ran his finger down the peak of my nose where it shifted slightly to the left, my chin quivering like a cat's back upon his reaching the tip. they'd already fed me sedatives to ease me into restlessness, my eyes were closing but i kept them open because i wanted him to be the last image in my mind before they knocked me out for the operation. i wanted to dream about him while they shoved metal up my nose and tubes down my throat, turn me into a babbling drugged-up idiot. the surgery itself took minutes, actually. they had to lift a bone in order to straighten out the cartilage and the upper part of the septum; basically, break my nose all over again.

waking up was the weirdest part. i don't remember dreaming at all, and that's probably because there wasn't enough time for dreams to occur. my entire face felt sore and the cast had been placed brittle and stubborn over the bruises. i don't know what i expected it to be like, being under anesthesia. it was exciting. the thrill of being rolled down the bleachy bleach halls lying flat on an even whiter bed, nurses smiling in their little green caps. doctors talking to each other about their personal lives, chuckling at irony. it was all very surreal. i'm still on some strange cloud, and it bothers me not to be able to pick my nose.

cancionero @ 2005-10-08T21:03:00

2005-10-09T01:03:38Z

dumb bitch. get out.

i left my blood in memorial park last night. somehow, i'm kind of proud of that fact, and i've got the bruise to prove it. he didn't understand why i was crying, besides the fact that it hurt like fuck to fall flat on my nose. what is in his eyes this evening?

cancionero @ 2005-09-28T16:55:00

2005-09-28T20:55:02Z

i've got

a little bit of weed from my friend in apartment #3,
a potential new job at a convenient store,
a boy face to squoosh,
chocolate cookies,
some gothy trancy xakky stuff playing softly in the bedroom,
dirty dishes,
a brand spanking new toilet,
love,
milk.

i want

watercolor paper,
this potential new job at previously mentioned convenient store,
more wall space,
your momma in a ziplock bag,
to watch half baked,
to make passionate sweaty feet seckz with boymanlover,
to dye my hair bright hot fucking pink and jump on the bed in my underwear screaming along to alanis morrisette lyrics until i pass out,
a bus ticket to virginia,
to forgive you for not knowing any better.

cancionero @ 2005-09-17T20:19:00

2005-09-18T00:19:42Z

(one of my most favorite pictures of emily, ever; winter 04)

so keller williams is playing tonight at the florida theater downtown and i'm really bummed out because i just don't have the cash. he was the epitome of my one year in virginia, he was the jasmine mousse in my hair long, thick nubbly thrift store coat cranberry lipgloss in me. he was my first snowday crush, a sloppy drunk kiss on the sidewalk dodging each others' snowballs on the way to siberia. he was pot headaches and oral sex. he was ramen noodles and cigarettes in the cold. he was probably the last cd that played in the car's cd player before emily pissed it off and made it break. he was getting stoned in the mountains and driving around for hours and hours through neighborhoods and countrysides and a million different little counties.

sometimes i really, really miss it.

cancionero @ 2005-08-28T13:34:00

2005-08-28T17:34:00Z

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

-- e.e. cummings

cancionero @ 2005-08-14T23:02:00

2005-08-15T03:02:07Z

+ i just found one of his eyelashes on my keyboard.

+ hired and fired. moving along.

+ we drove to st. augustine and saw scout niblett live and we drank beer and played with each others' hands. at the end she migrated outside to the merchandise table and i stood there awkwardly for a couple seconds, trying to find words until all i could tell her was that i had nothing to tell her but the fact that she is magic, and i am continually speechless, and she smiled, obviously used to hearing such things. i asked her what brand of cigarettes she smokes and she giggled like, what a silly fanlike thing to ask (and of course it was). marlboro menthol lights. i kissed her cheek before we left.

unfortunately, i forgot the card for my camera and had to use my camera phone, which is shitty, but better than nothing:

+ afterwards, on to the drum circle where i sat next to him and tipped the bottle back proudly. i felt elegant and protected. blew the smoke away from him while he played and several of the boys tried to hold my eye contact but i resisted, resorted to the drum next to me and let myself fall into the beat.
we stopped at a gas station and had to use the same bathroom because the mens' was out of order. the cashier lady glared at us on the way out.

+ meteor shower and more beer and kissing under the stars in the middle of ocean nowhere, amusing to find myself so comforted by something so cliche and sickeningly romantic.

and what.

cancionero @ 2005-07-28T22:36:00

2005-07-29T02:36:38Z

what else can i say but, we're fucking insane.

and because xakk had to work in the morning and couldn't attend, i thought he would appreciate a few drunken photographs, courtesy of ben's uncle darren who supplied the beer:

what is love?

2005-07-25T22:12:16Z

july 23rd, artwork by xakkula nichols.

cancionero @ 2005-07-25T17:53:00

2005-07-25T21:53:19Z

i am burgnoid! worship me foolish humanoid!

what plippy oompha pickle head are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

cancionero @ 2005-07-24T21:18:00

2005-07-25T01:18:54Z

there are cat cries in the street to remind me that i'm living in the city, little black indescipherable shadows chasing each other through the park and back down the road again. there's a mama cat that lives in the driveway across from the apartment, she just had kittens about a month ago, and i imagine some stray was trying to invade her privacy.

last night we dressed up in green and silver, tinfoil and anabel with her pretty braids, met up at this place called the arcade to attend a supposed alien geek convention party thing of sorts - flyers being passed out at walmart, stuck between the windshield wipers of cars. it turned out to be some sort of christian scam to convert people into thinking like they think, the flyer saying nothing about this being a christian gathering. a complete scam. but it was entertaining to say the least, having arms around me the entire time, watching all the dancing bodies dripping with an overabundance of body heat, the glowsticks on their heads bobbling in the almost dark. the security guy that stood next to us that gave me a dirty look when i couldn't stop laughing at something xakk had murmured, something the speaker had proclaimed about the answer being right there in our laps.

at the end, the abducters came and asked us what we knew about god, telling us that we needed to rid ourselves of sin this way and that way. xakk and i stood there in the back like a single untouchable unit amongst the crowds, avoiding their questions by complimenting their outfits, nice face, yes, i have found god thank you very much; and watching anabel fight with two of them about how this was complete bullshit and it was deceit no matter what they said or how they looked at it. and i completely love that girl.

we came home to episodes of six feet under and we fell asleep curled up in such a way that i felt almost rodent-like, burrowed and warm all wrapped up in fur. his head on my hip, my head resting on his thigh on the velvet couch.

i'm just fucking happy.

cancionero @ 2005-07-24T14:37:00

2005-07-24T18:37:27Z

july 23rd - come quick, ma! there's an alien in the bathroom!

cancionero @ 2005-05-24T08:59:00

2005-05-24T12:59:42Z

eight hours later. drunk and holding my breath.

cancionero @ 2005-05-18T00:30:00

2005-05-18T04:33:20Z

"oh NO. god is dead. what are we gonna do with him?

... i'm so hungry.
... but what are we gonna do with him?

... and yet i'm still hungry.
... but what are we gonna do with god's dead body!?"

- wonder showzen

cancionero @ 2005-04-30T02:40:00

2005-04-30T06:41:02Z

there will be tastes and smells to remind me of the spring when it's gone. i'll always think of my down comforter as ours, how i'll creep into the room after class or a cigarette and find him curled up inside of it like a little child, and i'll kiss his face to wake him up. and he'll groan a little with a smile that tries so hard to repress itself, and accepts my mouth. lovemaking is how i always hoped it would be, his arms taking me in completely and i'm squeezing my eyes shut, i can smell his hair, and i can smell our breaths mingling and i don't want this to ever end.

cancionero @ 2005-04-28T11:36:00

2005-04-28T15:37:17Z

his name is billy.

cancionero @ 2005-04-11T00:20:00

2005-04-11T04:20:01Z

i feel changed.

cancionero @ 2005-03-04T00:15:00

2005-03-04T05:15:00Z

i feel slept in. that's a way to describe it.

cancionero @ 2005-03-03T00:53:00

2005-03-03T05:52:27Z

las vegas - summer 2004

roadtrip countdown: 16 days.

cancionero @ 2005-02-28T23:08:00

2005-03-01T04:07:27Z

i woke emily up this morning at around eleven thirty, throwing snowballs at her window until she appeared and called me an asshole and joined me outside for a cigarette.

classes cancelled due to the biggest snowfall yet - hence, the first real snow day of my entire life which turned into two plastic bottles of vodka and blue plastic cups that look like vomit despite your actual want to. walking, and occasionally stumbling through some beautiful white wonderland, passing snowmen and large large chunks of shoveled snow, i was kissed. and now i can be certain that at least some warmer side of me is content right now.

cancionero @ 2005-02-24T00:50:00

2005-02-24T05:49:47Z

jillian - summer 2004

so i was thinking about how what you said is true, about the mexican hat dance. and i remembered the time that you came up with the idea of someone's soul being squeezed into a droplet of water - and how if you were to drink it, how you could understand completely every aspect of the individual because you would have literally consumed their soul; and i was thinking how nice it would be for that to be true right now because i can't stop thinking about her - that girl - and i'm not at all hesitant to admit that. goddammit.

cancionero @ 2005-02-13T22:49:00

2005-02-14T03:48:52Z

today, we are a car full of unshowered humanity, and nothing is better.